5 Ingredient Brownies: Passable at Best

[Click this to skip the bullshit]

The best thing about bringing a hand-made dessert to a party is that even if it tastes like garbage, people still have to pretend to like it to acknowledge dedication to said event.  It fuels the deluded, insecure side of me with a boost of unwarranted self-esteem whenever I tell someone I baked this super easy brownie recipe that, within a couple of days, turns as hard as a low-budget Michelangelo sculpture.

On the bright side, these brownies aren’t nearly as bad as I’ve described them to be. Not only can you add any extra ingredients of your choice as a topping or even inside the brownies, but they also come in gluten-free format. However, now that your expectations have already plummeted below the surface of the planet, anything you eat will surprisingly pleasant tasting.

Welcome to Psych 101.

Does it look like excreta? Kind of, but I made this last year with Nutella and dark chocolate chunks on top to show how versatile it is. I think my friends said they liked it. I think.

Without further ado, let’s begin:

Prep time: 30 minutes, if it’s your first time; you’re bound to screw up somewhere.
Baking time: You know, I never quite figured it out. Every time I use this recipe, the brownies take different times to bake.
Feeds: 10-12 Adults or half as many snot-nosed nugget children. Their sugar rush is your responsibility.


  • 240 g butter (or “1 cup”, whatever that means)
  • 240 g flour (which, you know, can be completely optional if you’re gluten-intolerant. Replacements are also fine)
  • 240 g granulated sugar. If you have those large lattice sugars, grind them in a blender.
  • 400 g dark chocolate (% of darkness is up to the colour of your soul. I use 70%)
  • 3 eggs*


  1. Preheat the damn oven to 180ºC 🙂
  2. Melt the chocolate and butter together in a bowl in the microwave at low-ish power. Make sure that you stop every other minute to stir it and prevent them from burning.
  3. Once your mixture is a liquid-y delight, add in your sugar and whisk until smooth, or for 6-7 minutes. Do not use an electric mixer, as the speed of the mixer is what causes the brownies to develop the texture of the Stonehenge after a few days. Just forego the gym today, and hand-mix the shit out of this instead.
  4. * Put in 2 egg whites and 1 whole egg in the batter. Keep mixing until the bubbles that disgustingly manifest reduce to something more bearable.
  5. Finally, add your flour, gluten equivalent or nothing. Mix until it is smooth and without too many bubbles. The consistency of the batter should allow it to spread naturally in the baking pan.
  6. Extra step – Add anything else you want: sprinkles, fruit, (*whispers* glass shards), nuts etc. and lightly mix it in as well.
  7. Pour the batter in a baking/oven-friendly pan and let it rest for 5 minutes so that all the bubbles that inevitably rise can be manually popped with a toothpick.
  8. Put said pan in the oven for about 30-40 minutes. Keep poking the brownie with the toothpick to see if it’s done. It could take longer.
  9. Once the toothpick comes out clean, switch off the oven and bring the pan out to cool outside for however long it takes (usually 1 hour). Bear in mind that the cooling process is super important or else the brownies may fall apart in all their chocolate-y, gooey glory.
  10. Add toppings if you want; vanilla ice-cream is a popular choice – and serve.

Additional note: This batch will last over a week (two, if you’re not picky) before they’re spoiled, so no need to pull that cake scene from Matilda and eat the whole thing at once even if it kills you.

Additional additional note: You can refrigerate them, or keep them outside as long as your average room temperature is not 30 freakin’ degrees (I’m looking at you, Bombay)

I hope this recipe was easier, what with five (or four) ingredients that you almost always have at home, and most of the instructions being annoying commentary. Now you can gain more Adult Points at parties, or with your family members, who constantly side-eye you and (correctly) believe that you cannot cook to save your life.



4 thoughts on “5 Ingredient Brownies: Passable at Best

  1. Preheat the “DAMN” oven??? I

    have an “ELECTRIC” oven.

    What’s a “DAMN” oven? And where to buy a “DAMN” oven?

    Liked by 1 person

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